Fine. I'll sleep in my office
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
