Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Randomize
