ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
