I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
