I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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