Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
