he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Holy shit dude........stairs
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