I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
