And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
