i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
