The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
