I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
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