I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
