I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
