Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize