Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
that may or may not have been my penis.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
