He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
