WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
