LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
