Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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