I want to have your abortion
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
