Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize