3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
