Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
