people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize