No more Irish car bombs ever.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
