I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize