Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
