Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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