I'm eating all of the evidence.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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