What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
