Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
