Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize