If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Reggie can tackle my bush.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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