I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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