oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
