my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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