I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
