On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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