I'm so fucking centered right now
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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