I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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