Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
