It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
