New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
