i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
