that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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