What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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