i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
