Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Enjoy the penises
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
