the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
