Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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