woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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