You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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