one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Randomize
