remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
