I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
