I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
