Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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