I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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